Boring to Better

 Lately, somethings felt different. I've been having these moment, small ones, where I feel like I actually know who I am. like I'm not just going through the motions or trying to do what others are doing. Its small, its quiet, but it's there. Honestly, I like it. For the first time I felt happy, even if it was for a second. It didn't feel numb or distracted. but it doesn't last and that's the crazy part. The feeling comes and then it fades. for a second I think, was that even real, am I doing this right then? But I'm starting to see things differently, maybe those moments mean something, maybe that its proof that what I'm doing to change and grow I actually working, even if those moments aren't constant yet. it just means I'm on the right track. I know growth isn't supposed to feel perfect all the time. I think it shows up in flashes, moments that click, where I feel aligned, where I'm starting to recognize myself more and who i want to ...

One of the worst parts about being disabled is chronic pain. Like OMG the pain has been so intense I have been asking myself, "what's the point?" Because I hate being in pain. I don't care about being disabled, it's the Chronic pain that gets to me. like why me? I just want to live and go about my day. and the kicker is that from the outside looking in, you wouldn't be able to tell that I'm disabled, and some people don't understand that not all disabilities are visible. I just want to be able to clean and cook without it taking all day when it's should only take an hour or having to do things but can barely move because it hurt so bad, to the point I want to cry.  never take pain free living for granted. I wasn't always like this. It happened in adult hood. I want to keep living, keep going but i swear that pain will be like why? now I will never do that but still I HATE pain. Standard over the counter pain meds barely work and prescription on...

 money has been weighing on my mind lately, I need income, but I am also disabled and having a hard time finding a job that doesn't require constant standing or walking, I have a small business but not making money that warrants talking about. I need and want this to work so I can supplement the money I get and afford things like food. I get loads of complements about how talented I am, and my items are amazing but that doesn't pay my bills or put food on the table or get my car fixed. don't get me wrong a appreciate all compliments but they still don't pay the bills or give money and that doesn't get talked about enough because if you do people assume you're ungrateful or whatever else they say it is. but it's true. both can be true at the same time. I can be and am grateful for all complements and unpaid support but the reality is I don't run a business for compliments, no one does. if that was the case money wouldn't be needed. I started a busines...

 Sometimes I ask myself am I good enough? Because my dreams and goals aren't being accomplished as fast as I would like them to be. I know building a business takes time, but I wish it could go faster as I want and need this to be my fulltime job and income. Everyone says the things I make are great and I'm talented but that doesn't pay the bills, that doesn't get my things sold. I don't say this to people because I know that comes off as rude and ungrateful which neither is true but that's just how I feel. I'm not a good seller, some people know how to sell and talk things up to get people to buy, I however cannot. I want my art to sell itself but clearly, it's not. I know I need to do something, but I can't find the happy medium. I sometimes can't find the motivation, I also have 2 YouTube channels and a TikTok page I'm trying to grow,  With YouTube I have a vlogging channel and the other is a gaming channel. now with my vlogging channel wh...

 Sometimes I just stand in the middle of the living room and just look around, in silence, I listen....I look....I breath....I feel....and I think, I do all of that in the moment. and feel how unreal this seems even after being here for 3 and a half years I still can't believe it. How I got here isn't how I wanted to get here. I got pushed into my own place before I was 100% ready. to a place I never thought I would live. life events made things happen faster than I would have liked. Of course, I wanted my own place but not here, not in this town but because of the timing I had no choice as where I wanted to be was way out of budget at the time and still is. but I stand in the living room with a mixed of emotions, of disbelief and a felling of relief that I finally have my own place even if it was in a way I wouldn't have liked. and no nothing criminal or bad in that way but someone near and dear to me passed away, someone who was my rock, someone I never had to live withou...

 OMG, so last night I self-published a memoir about a part of my life, it's still being reviewed, but holy wow I truly can't believe that happened. in about 72 hours i will find out if it's on the market or not. publishing a book was on the cards but not 2 days into the new year lol. I will definitely post it when I find out.