Boring to Better

 Lately, somethings felt different. I've been having these moment, small ones, where I feel like I actually know who I am. like I'm not just going through the motions or trying to do what others are doing. Its small, its quiet, but it's there. Honestly, I like it. For the first time I felt happy, even if it was for a second. It didn't feel numb or distracted. but it doesn't last and that's the crazy part. The feeling comes and then it fades. for a second I think, was that even real, am I doing this right then? But I'm starting to see things differently, maybe those moments mean something, maybe that its proof that what I'm doing to change and grow I actually working, even if those moments aren't constant yet. it just means I'm on the right track. I know growth isn't supposed to feel perfect all the time. I think it shows up in flashes, moments that click, where I feel aligned, where I'm starting to recognize myself more and who i want to ...

One of the worst parts about being disabled is chronic pain. Like OMG the pain has been so intense I have been asking myself, "what's the point?" Because I hate being in pain. I don't care about being disabled, it's the Chronic pain that gets to me. like why me? I just want to live and go about my day. and the kicker is that from the outside looking in, you wouldn't be able to tell that I'm disabled, and some people don't understand that not all disabilities are visible. I just want to be able to clean and cook without it taking all day when it's should only take an hour or having to do things but can barely move because it hurt so bad, to the point I want to cry.  never take pain free living for granted. I wasn't always like this. It happened in adult hood. I want to keep living, keep going but i swear that pain will be like why? now I will never do that but still I HATE pain. Standard over the counter pain meds barely work and prescription on...